Monday, June 3rd, 2002

Dear Leonard-

Here's the letter I'd like to get out to everyone.  Hopefully you can read it all just fine.  I know it's a lot of typing so thanks in advance.  You probably already know that (P) means new paragraph.  My mom was a proofreader in a newspaper so I learned some shorthand, etc.  I'm hoping this letter addresses some of the Q's people ask often & want to hear about.  God bless you for your love & work you've already been doing on our behalf.  May God deliver all the captive servants very, very soon!  I'll give a call again here soon unless I'm unable of course.  Don't know when we're to be moved & I'm not really worried or even thinking about it.  All our love.

Brian and Ruth =)

Friday, May 31, 2002

Dear Friends:  A Public Address-

I have so many wonderful, beautiful letters here.  I've always been good about responding personally and quickly to correspondence, but as of late, I've been so overwhelmed with the love and power of the words you all have written that my heart swells to the point bursting.  I pick up a letter, read it & I feel cleansed, washed, bathed in light.  How could I ever return that? How can I form the words?  I pick up my own pad and pencil and it seems crude & looks plain silly.

The love; the willful action of love that has worked out of your care and compassion; for our family is truly unspeakable. And so in the seeming futility of paper & pencil I have been at a loss how to respond to you. For a while, I just didn't, but now I've decided to address all and to have that response broadcast.

I will continue to write to everyone individually as I am able.  There's a lot going on here lately.

I would also like to point out that ever since arrested, I've made it my priority to write to Ruth constantly. Not only does she deserve that tangible display of my love for her, but she needs it just to make it.  I spend many hours everyday writing her and everyone else comes after her. 

Many have been urging the writing of a book. I have attempted a few starts at this, but all I have available to me is pencil & paper & I am very much computer/word processor dependent for speed and efficiency. Perhaps we'll have access to such resources in prison but I'm told that's unlikely, so until God provides us with the means or freedom, then a book project is on hold.

Essentially, both Ruth & I have already written books to each other. I am currently writing page 770 to her & I didn't start continuing until just a few months ago!  That's a lot of writing, probably 1200 full pages. The letters to me are stacked up here in my cell. Compressed, they stack several inches thick. I would be keen to publish excerpts from both our letters down the road.

Saturday, June 1st, 2002

Well, this morning I received another letter as described above & I am overwhelmed yet again. Thank you for your love and understanding. You see, it is so easy to condemn and cast stones, but there is always risk involved in showing mercy. Thank you for choosing to build us up instead of tearing us down.  When you're publicly slandered multi-nationally, you can't begin to fathom how valuable a kind word or action is. You cherish it & hang onto it with tears rolling down.

It's like a breath of fresh air or a flower or a bird. I had never considered what it would be like to live without these things, but I did always appreciate & thank God for them throughout my life. Fortunately, I have many happy memories to go back to, to relive & experience joy from.

Many have asked what life in jail is like. That is a huge question. Jail is a separate reality from regular life. Time stops on the day you are arrested, as you enter the belly of the beast. After 10 months, I am adjusted to this setting, but it is radically different than life on the streets.  I will tell you in order, the things that trouble me most.

In Montana, Ruth and I were barred from any communication whatsoever, so we went 2 1/2 months without being able even to write to each other. I saw the towers fall live on television after having been locked up just over a month.  I've not been outside since either, so I imagine things have changed without me.

Once transported to Douglas County Oregon, we were finally able to write to each other. Even though we're in the same facility, we are required to send our letters out through the postal system, so there is over a week's lag if you need an answer to a question. You also can't talk about a lot of things because they read all your incoming mail. So the most painful part for me is the separation from my own flesh, my beloved Ruth.

Next is the pain of seeing my children suffer at the bouncing around, the separation & the lies they are told.  Bethany is withdrawn due to her testimony at trial.  Lydia is very traumatized because someone told them (assumedly Ruth's parents) that mommy would be coming to England. Now she cries and asks "When are you coming mommy...when, when?"

After these pains, the next greatest one is simply the fact that evil is triumphing over us, over truth & over justice.  We're both problematic people, problematic parents, ever learning, yet ever loving.  I've gotten over the anger of being publicly slandered, worked through the pain of having our lives out on a billboard & seeing our family dignity trampled by pigs, but the hardest thing to deal with is waiting on the land.  He's made promises to us over the years. Promises to cause us to "ride on the heights of the Lord", promises to make us leaders in this land and abroad. Promises to use us to teach others of God's love and how to war in the spirit.  There are many promises & I wish to share them & make them public. Someone please remind us to write down and publish the promises God has made over our life, I believe that's important, for God's name is greatly to be praised.

But back to what frustrates me... it's the "knowing" that God is allowing these apparent defeats (I speak of conviction, sentencing etc.) when He could instantly deliver us in power.  Actually, I now know that He will deliver us in power and not by some legal loophole or break-through. We're still appealing the robbery convictions because of the audacity of such a notion, but as far as seeing Brian and Ruth free on the streets, that will happen by a clear act of God so that no man can boast.  This will be our vindication and redemption.

If we sit in prison throughout our entire sentence and are released in the "normal" way, then you have the right to say that I believe in a false God, powerless & pitiful & you can call me misled, misguided or crazy, I will give you that.

For many years I've been mocked & ridiculed for my belief in a God of Power, not surprisingly when one considers the description of people in these last days (II Timothy 3:5).  I've even been accused of claiming to be a biblical prophet, though I've not dared to raise myself to such a level.

So to clear up any misconceptions some may have of me, I simply say I am a servant of God who strives to hear His voice over & above all the other loud noises of the earth.  Often I hear wrong, misinterpret, or simply rebel against His voice, but for the better part, I do hear & obey.  I also follow my conscience which I believe is a gift from God to man written on our hearts. I am slowly learning to think before I act. As far as my character, through all this, God has truly softened my heart.  Now I find myself deeply touched when I see the slightest movement of God's hand.

Please forgive me, I've digressed far from my description of jail life!  An old friend in college who loved me dearly said "Brian, you have a radial way of thinking rather than linear" and I'm afraid he was right!  God bless you Andres!

OK, so the waiting on the Lord part is the third hardest thing for me. Next after that would fall all of the physical displeasures, some of which affect physical and mental health. Most of you are probably aware that we eat (when free to choose) organic wholesome foods, drink natural juices or water and use natural or home-made toiletries.  In jail here, Ruth and I are both on the vegetarian diet.  Most of the vegetables are overcooked and certainly not organic. I don't complain much about the food here because it's so much better than in the Montana jail where I was before. But just because I'm thankful to God for what I do receive, doesn't mean that its good or healthy.  Ruth and I have both suffered severe gastro-intestinal problems due to poor diet (honestly, I would call it a hideous diet).  We've been bed-ridden, unable to move & taken multiple antibiotics.

Then there's the re-circulated air that stinks of staleness and bodies. You're stuffed into a small area with 7 to 9 other people. If you're lucky, you might get to go to the roof for 20 to 30 minutes per month. The roof is a caged-in, walled area with one side over-looking part of Roseburg. It is all concrete & metal, but if the breeze is strong enough to overcome the huge vents that blow out stale jail air in your face then you may catch a fresh breath of air.  The other day I rejoiced in smelling the sweet aroma of blossoming trees down in the town.  

Unfortunately, there are no other living creatures that you come in contact with while in jail, not an insect, not a plant, non an animal.  This makes it rough on two nature lovers like Ruth & I.  This is hard to understand unless you experience it, the missing elements of creation. 

Essentially jail is a man-made hell.  It's loud & cold & brutal.  The swearing is non-stop and the sick mentality is ever-tiring on my soul.  I thank God when he sends a person into the tank who knows God, and I thank Him for the people who are available on the telephone for us to call & fellowship with.  We definitely don't fit in here, but we have adapted and it's AWESOME how God uses us in these humble circumstances.  I miss real sunshine desperately.  Fluorescent light 24/7 is unhealthy.  I am now convinced that sunlight is an essential part in human physiology. 

Now let me go back and explain a little of what I've learned in the past year.  Some of you may recall a letter I wrote right after we were arrested in Montana not quite a year ago yet.  In it I said that our family would be reunited by January and that our reunification would be partly due to the crumbling of America.  I should explain why I made such a statement.  

When I was arrested, I was sure my life was over, I knew that Oregon wanted blood.  God was & still is our only hope.  What do you do more than ever where you're in such dire straits?  You cry out to the Lord to save you.  He did answer me.  I asked Him if He would reunite us within 6 months?  I wanted a direct answer so I cast lots & got yes. At the time, I believed 6 months was the longest I could ever survive in jail or prison, I had thought about it before.  Ruth independently prayed a similar question to God (we had no contact with each other at all) on the other side of the state in Missoula.  She asked and was told that things would change within a year. That is any number of months up to a year. That year will be up in mid-August of this 2002.  I don't recall exactly how I got the word that our reunification would be partly due to the crumbling of America, but since I was bold enough to write it I am sure it was significant and real.

Now did God lie to me about the 6 months?  God doesn't lie.  But one thing I've learned through this is that His wisdom to live one day at a time, no planning for the future for we can't even control this day let alone the next.  This is pretty tough when it's your family that you see suffering, you want to know when God is going to rescue you so you can hold on to life.  But then recently I read how God kept the Israelites in exactly such a position in an effort to teach them He is trustworthy (Numbers 9:15-23). 

Just two nights ago I was very tempted to ask God how long until He rescues our family, but then I remembered & I said "OK Lord, your timing, not mine" and I accepted that.  This is hard amid so much anguish and desperation and I do not deny that my heart is rent from top to bottom every day I am separated from my beautiful wife and precious daughters. 

Now I should mention that we tried very hard in our trial to combat the lies and to bring out the truth.  We did hope to be vindicated, but in hindsight I can clearly see that this could not have been the outcome.  Conviction day was a major turning point in my life.  I obviously struggled to contain myself when pulled away from comforting my wife upon her re-arrest but once they got me locked away into a tiny "suicide watch" isolation cell, I actually thanked God for the walls surrounding me and for each of the convictions & I meant it!!!  Don't worry, I was shocked too!  I sang & prayed & read scripture aloud, I really enjoyed reading the Beatitudes. More than anything I love to hear Jesus' perfect words, still full of compassion & grace 2000 years later!  (Matthew 5-7)

It was then that I started to realize I can't expect any good thing from the system because all good gifts come from God above and our "system" is in blatant opposition to God.  It calls good evil & evil good.  This brings me back to what I was originally told, that our reunification would be partly due to the crumbling of America.  Every single time I've asked God to speak to me about our deliverance I've gotten scriptures that say the same thing.  It is always that God is going to judge and destroy this wicked nation.  The best thing I can do is to give you an example.

On sentencing day in the morning I was given Jeremiah 2:3 "Israel (God's people, we're grafted in) was holy to the Lord, the first fruits of His harvest; all who devoured her were held guilty, and disaster overtook them", declares the Lord.  I then came back from sentencing happy.  I do not fear the power of men even though they slay us.  I believe in God & in His power to save & deliver & I will never turn away because I have seen & believed.  Even if it takes years, I know He will make good on His promises including His many promises to deliver us.

But after sentencing I sat down on my bunk & I asked God in prayer "How do you feel about sentencing Lord, what will you do about this?"  I put my hand on my bible as I asked & immediately the # 47 came to my mind.  So I just randomly opened my Bible and it fell open to Jeremiah 51 & my eyes fell on verse 47 :-)  It says "For the time will surely come when I will punish the idols of Babylon; her whole land will be disgraced and her slain will all lie fallen within her."  I am assuming that everyone knows what the spirit of Babylon is & how all nations who rise also fall according to God's time plan.  Thank God that if you've grieved & cried out to God, pleading on behalf of our nation, when it does come time to be judged, He will "pass over us" because we're marked.

So I don't know what tomorrow holds for us or how things are going to play out but I do ask for your continued prayer.  Please pray for God to rise up and deliver real, true justice for His righteous ones.  Thank you again for all your love and good works, GOD BLESS YOU!  One day, Jesus will gather us all to himself & we will ride victoriously.  Until that day, let's wait expectantly & press higher up & further in!

Humbly, strength